The Red Flags

• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness- Does your partner accuse you of improper behavior with others for no reason? Does your partner overreact when you spend time with others? Does your partner dislike or put down your friends or family for no apparent reason?
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I understand that if someone has cheated on you in the past how one could be hesitant about trusting people but my abusers accusations would come out of left field. VERY early on in the relationship he was very jealous. I was accused of standing too close to his friend & my abuser stated that he didn't like the way his friend was talking to me. We were having a normal conversation and the abuser was present the entire time. I once hired a personal trainer and was accused of hiring him so I could have sex with him. On another occasion, I finished using a bathroom and a man walked in after me. My abuser saw this man exit the bathroom but had not seen him enter so I was accused of having sex with a stranger in the bathroom. The abuser always tried to justify these accusations by saying his ex-wife had cheated on him or by saying that he had drank too much.
• Pushes for quick and intense involvement                                                                                        
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: VERY EARLY on my abuser would say things like "I've never felt this way about anyone." or "You are the most amazing woman & mother I have ever met." You are not special to them. Abusers say these things to all of the women they are involved with because intially most victims are perfect to them in their mind since they think they will be able to control the woman. They draw you in with these words but soon the words will be the opposite. You will soon be called a horrible mother, an awful woman and much much worse. My abuser spoke of me trying to sell my house and build one with him. If you move in with them, marry them or have children with them, it is harder to leave and they know this. This is why they push quick and hard.
• Superiority- Does your partner always need to be right, get their way, have to win or be in charge?                                                                                                                                                                                        
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: According to him, my abuser has custody of his two children because he filed for divorce, put in the divorce papers that he was to get custody and then tricked his wife into thinking they were reconciling. The wife thought they were reconciling so she did not go to the divorce hearing and because she did not show, the abuser was granted custody. My abuser is a soccer coach, not because he loves teaching and helping children but because he can't stand to lose or to have his children lose. My abuser could never be on time anywhere. If he showed up late, that meant he had the control. How dare anyone tell him what time to be somewhere.
• Denies Responsibility- (minimizes, denies or blames partner or others for emotions and behavior )                                                                                                                                                                                  
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I was too sensitive. I was the one causing him to act his way. He was too drunk. He lost his job. He lost a soccer game.  He was taking muscle enhancing hormones that affected his testosterone. Blah, Blah, Blah.....you get the point. Abusers will usually refer to ex's as the crazy one and place blame on them for problems in the relationship. It will not be too long before the abuser is speaking the same way about you. 
• Easily upset or angered
• Poor Impulse Control-  An abuser may exhibit patterns of chronic or sporadic alcohol or drug abuse, over spending or gambling, impulsive driving, early temper outbursts, inability to handle minor frustrations, destructive anger and/or police record.                                                                                                                                                                                         
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My abuser was addicted to drugs, alcohol, even eating. My abuser would perform very weird and unsafe driving maneuvers. My abuser has an extensive police record and I was aware of this. Very early on he came clean about the record and said that he had learned from his mistakes and because of this admission I dismissed the police record and believed him that he had changed. I figured anyone that would be that open about it must have learned from their errors. In reality, he knew that because of my job I could easily find out about his past. I must stress that his drug, alcohol and abuse problems were revealed in the arrest records! Several states allow the public to access arrest and conviction records for individuals. A good website is www.publicdata.com. The small fee they charge is worth the knowledge. Several counties also have free online public access to arrest & conviction records. Go to the county website of the counties you want to check and look for a record search feature.
• Mood Swings – Mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred. Do you walk on eggshells, fearing that the slightest thing might set him off?
• History of violent behavior
• Emotional Abuse (name calling, criticizing, “joking” in a demeaning or embarrassing way)
• Intimidation -(uses threats, looks or gestures to scare partner; breaking objects)
• Isolation (uses jealousy to control what partner does, who he/she sees, where he/she goes, criticizes family or friends in an attempt to get partner to cease contact with family and friends)                                                                                                                                                                                        
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My abuser did not have one single good thing to say about any one of my friends. Even though they had accomplished more in life than he ever will, they were "white trash" to him.
• Inability to respect partner's boundaries, privacy, need for separate activities or identity                                                                                                                                                                                       
• MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My abuser threw huge temper tantrums at the mention of me doing something like going to the beach with a girlfriend. Although, him doing things alone with friends or planning a trip to go to a bachelor party in Amsterdam was of course okay for him to do.  
• Violence or threats of violence-  Has your partner ever shoved or hit you? Has your partner ever thrown things at you? Has your partner threatened to do any of these things?

I ended this relationship 6 months after it began and had a couple of reconciliations with my abuser that prolonged our relationship a couple of more months. Every apology was better, bigger and more believable. Even after I ended the relationship, I was still willing to try and help him through his issues. I was very attached to his children and of course if you care for someone , you are usually willing to help them. What I failed to realize was that there was never a good, loving, charming, caring single father who was a soccer coach. That whole persona was just an act.

THE ASSAULT

Once I realized he was emotionally and verbally abusive I read several books about the subject of abuse. All of the books said that most of these abusers will turn violent. I did not believe my boyfriend would ever harm me physically. One week later he assaulted me. I feel it is important to briefly explain what happened (Click here for the affidavit) and how he responded. It is likely that you or someone you know has or will experience a similar situation and the reaction of the abuser. I briefly considered not pursuing the charges because I didn't want to deal with anymore stress. Thankfully I came to my senses and pursued the charges which were assault and interfering with a 911 call. I can't tell you how scary it is for someone to forcefully remove a phone from you while you are attempting to call 911. IT IS VERY SCARY TO THINK THAT THE POLICE MAY NOT COME. I obtained a temporary protective order and agreed to a plea deal that was to be offered to him which would prohibit him from contacting me. He was placed on probation for his crimes. My abuser told the police and others that I had assaulted him and ripped my own clothes off because he would not have sex with me. BOOM! Just like that, I was now spoken about just like his "psycho" ex-wife. Even after what he did, he still placed blame on me & tried to guilt me into not pressing charges. I was going to ruin his life, I was going to cause his children to be taken. I, I, I.....never him. I was not taking his calls after the assault so the next day he called me from a phone number I did not recognize. I answered it because I had been getting calls from unknown numbers from the police officers that took the report. Again came the excuses. Again came the promises. "Please don't do this to me, please don't do this to my kids.", he pleaded. He also began sending me pictures of his children.
There is a special place in hell for people like him. His ex-wife once left a card on my car that said I deserved to know the truth and to call her. I now know she was trying to warn me.
 This website is my warning.
 

DISCLAIMER
These are some of the red flags of an abusive personality but there are many, many more. Please make sure that you visit these helpful websites so as to obtain as much information as possible on the different types of abuse.  I am also in no way an expert on the subject of abuse, I am just trying to make something positive out of a horrible experience.